Hi. We’ve not been formally introduced before, but we’ve definitely met. I’m the girl who rang up the gift that you fought tooth and nail against buying for your wife of 14 years. I did not find your observation that, “You women have figured out exactly how to get whatever you want,” very funny, but I think I giggled anyway, because you’re the customer, after all. I’m also the girl who watched you storm into Hallmark, grab a card from the “Valentine’s Day-Romantic” section and pay for it without looking at it. I hope someone put a “Happy Birthday, Grandma,” card in the wrong slot. And I’m also the girl who stood in front of you on the escalator and listened to you bitch to your buddy on the phone about how, “I don’t see why I gotta fucking buy her flowers and drop $100 on a fucking expensive meal just because someone decided that today is special.” Remember me?
I am so tired of listening to guys whine about Valentine’s Day! There’s a reason for the friggin’ holiday. You say that you don’t need Valentine’s Day to prove your love for her because you show your love for her every single day. Valid argument. But let me share a little secret with y’all.
You don’t show your love for her everyday. Not in the way that she truly deserves. Sure, you tell her that you love her, you remember that she doesn’t like mustard on her sandwiches, and you microwave clam chowder when she’s sick. (It’s clam chowder, right?) You do all the little things everyday that prove your love. But you also do all the little annoying things everyday that prove that you’re annoying. You leave the toilet seat up, you wash and dry her “dry clean only” silk shirt, and you insist on watching The West Wing despite the fact that I’ve told you a million times that I hate that show. But we put up with those little things because you put up with our little things. And just once a year, everyone needs that one extra large super-sized gesture that reaffirms the love and passion that you have for us. Because after a while, those everyday gestures stop being signs of love, but merely habit. And nothing ruins relationships like habit.
I guess my other big gripe about the Valentine’s Day hate is that, I mean, we’re not asking for much. We’re not looking for crazy jewelry, elaborate gifts, or huge productions declaring love. (Though god knows we’d never turn them down.) I know I speak for women everywhere, but I think all we’re looking for is something heart-felt and personal that shows a minimal amount of effort. Make us dinner, serve it by candlelight. Play “our song” and dance with us in the living room in the dark. Buy us a $10 scarf and tell us that it reminded you of our eyes. Anything! You have what every guy in the world is looking for: a woman who loves you! You win! Isn’t it worth it to take the 10 minutes to put something together that will make us happy in order to keep such a prize? I mean, is it such a terrible fate to have to go out to dinner with a beautiful woman who likes you? Isn’t that what you spent all of jr high fantasizing about? (Well, maybe it was the part after dinner you were fantasizing about, but surely you wouldn’t have turned down dinner either.)
My point is that you have something wonderful. And just like a nice car takes a little light maintenance, a good relationship needs the same thing. So unless you want to see that hottie you’re with having a nice dinner with the Brad Pitt look-alike who works down the hall, buy her some damn flowers, take her out to fucking dinner, and tell her how much you love her! Seriously, was that so hard?