You Say You Want a Resolution or How I Plan to Not Suck

Let’s talk resolutions for a minute.

Yeah, I know, we’re four days into 2012. Shut up. Look, normally I wouldn’t even talk about a New Year’s resolutions. I think they’re stupid. Declaring to the world that you’re now going to completely change your pattern of behavior just because the calendar now reads a different year. If you’ve always wanted to take up running so badly, why did you have to wait until fucking January to take up an outdoor activity? It’s narcissistic and pointless to run around screaming your desire to better yourself just because it’s a new year.

But this is a new year and (according to commercials) I’m a new me. Maybe 2012 Stephanie makes resolutions. So I took stock of my life and thought about what I’d like to do to better myself, and this is what I came up with.

Stephanie’s 2012 Resolutions

(Duh-dah-da-duh-dah-da-dah-daaaaah!)

1. Take more pictures.

2. Read more.

3. Journal more consistently

4. Maintain a healthier lifestyle that results in weight loss including:

-A healthier diet with more fruits, veggies, and whole grains.

-Consistent exercise.

-More water consumed.

So there we are. All the things that I would like to change about myself in order to make myself a better, healthier, more overall kick-ass Monster. With these resolutions, there’s no way I can fail!

Except that as I look over that list, I can’t help but notice that these are the same exact things that I always want to change about myself. Not just last year and the year before,  but throughout the year. Every couple of months, it seems like, I’m looking at myself and wishing these things about me were different. How did I make it through the entire holiday without taking a single picture? How is it I’ve been working on the same book for three months now? Why the hell did I eat all 15 of those garlic wings, fries, two beers, and an order of frickles? (Frickles are fried pickles, and they are delicious.) Why can’t I just make these simple changes to my life? Is it so fucking hard to spend 10 minutes writing in my journal every night instead of just passing out in front of Adult Swim? Why can’t I just do this?

I suck.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, we arrive at the heart of the reason why New Year’s resolutions don’t work for most people. It’s because we have such lofty goals for ourselves, such high standards, that we decide that this is going to be the year that we turn into a fucking superhero. We’re going to finally become the men and women that we wish we were. Except that by setting such impossible goals for ourselves, we set ourselves up to fail. Unless you are a person of monstrous will-power living an extremely flexible lifestyle that can accommodate significant change, fulfilling this kind of resolution is going to end in nothing but that feeling that once more, you failed to be that person you want to be. Just more proof of your over-all suckatude.

Which is why, after another look at myself, I’ve decided to set only one impossible resolution this year. I’ll probably break this one, too, but at least I feel like I have a prayer. Here it is.

Stephanie’s 2012 Resolutions II

(Duh-dah-da-duh-dah-da-dah-daaaaah!)

1. Cut myself some motherfucking slack!

Yup, there it is. Cut myself some motherfucking slack. Remember that I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. Sure, I’m going to give the above resolutions a whack. Keep them posted on the back of my brain and try to make some baby steps towards full-blown awesomeness. But if I can’t manage to keep a picture diary of my life and instead just take more pictures of my cats, that’s okay. If my attempt at eating healthier only results in eating a vegetarian meal once a week, that’s cool. I’m a tiny bit closer to that impossibly awesome person I wish I was.

Baby steps, bitches.