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Unfair Assumptions I Make About Other People

Are they fair? Not at all. (Hence the title.) Are they true? Not always. Am I guilty of similar fashion or social transgressions? Absolutely. Is it wrong of me to judge people? You bet your ass. But wrong or not, these are the things I think when I look at you.

 

If I see you eating any form of ice cream covered in sprinkles, I assume that you have poor taste in general.

If you look like you have long neglected your dental hygiene and you ask me for money, I assume that you would use it to buy drugs.

If you ride through downtown continuously revving the engine of your gigantic Harley, I assume that you’re a needy jackass who wants attention.

If I see you running anywhere, I assume that you’re at the end of at least ten miles and are a far superior runner to me.

If I see you running anywhere past 9:00pm, I assume that you are trying to get mugged.

If I see you wearing a tshirt that I recognize as having been purchased from either Woot.com or Threadless.com, I assume that you are awesome and we will be best friends.

If I see a chick get off the crew bus with the rest of the crew and she doesn’t immediately start unloading the truck, I assume she’s the Merch Bitch.

If I see you wearing leggings of any variety without anything covering your bum, I assume that you forgot to finish getting dressed, you’re horribly embarrassed, and the only place you could possibly be headed is home to put on your pants.

If I see you wheeling a stroller anywhere that contains a small dog instead of a baby, I assume that you also own a pink velour sweatsuit  and are in dire need of a deep dickin’.

If I see that you are not singing along to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” even though we’re all intoxicated, I assume that you are also the kind of person who drowns kittens and makes fun of orphans for not having parents.

If I see that you are a fan of Game of Thrones, I assume that you are also a fan of boobies.

If you are a dude and your jeans are skinnier than mine, I assume that either you like dick or you are one.

If I hear you begin a sentence by saying, “Well, I’m totally not racist but-“, I assume that the rest of the sentence will be incredibly racist.

If I shake your hand and your handshake is limp, I assume that you are the kind of person who will run away from things that scare them.

If I see that you have dreads, I assume that you consume pot in some form on a semi-regular basis.

If I see that you are white and have dreads, I assume that you also smell bad.

 

{ 13 comments… add one }
  • Lauren July 3, 2012, 11:40 am

    Haha, yes!! –> “If I see you wearing leggings of any variety without anything covering your bum, I assume that you forgot to finish getting dressed, you’re horribly embarrassed, and the only place you could possibly be headed is home to put on your pants.”

    WTF is with leggings?? Leggings are ONLY for waay-too-skinny ballerinas who need to keep warm during their endless hours of practice at Julliard.

    • Monster July 4, 2012, 8:23 am

      Newsflash: as one of those former bunheads, I can say confidently that WE didn’t even wear leggings. We wore things far less flattering and ridiculous, which I can only assume are not far beyond the fashion horizon. Garbage bag pants, anyone?

      • Jenbug July 5, 2012, 1:16 am

        Ha ha! But they were soooo warm. I loved my trash bag pants.

  • adriana July 3, 2012, 12:01 pm

    “If I shake your hand and your handshake is limp, I assume that you are the kind of person who will run away from things that scare them.” <– SO SPOT ON! I love this list. Though on occasion, I've ordered a Coldstone cake batter ice cream with some rainbow sprinkles in it. But come on, that's like funfetti cake!

  • Kate July 3, 2012, 1:30 pm

    I think all of these assumptions are totally accurate.
    I love Game of Thrones AND boobies!!

  • allison July 3, 2012, 1:48 pm

    Sprinkles are my favorite dessert topping; they make everything brighter and more fun.

    I start almost all the jokes I make to my brother with “I’m not racist, but.” You have to know your audience for that one to work.

    I also hate, absolutely hate, “Don’t Stop Believin'”. It’s played too much around here, and I hear other people rock out to it like they’re classic rock champs, so it left a bad taste in my mouth.

    I agree on the others, so I think we can still be friends. But that might be an unfair assumption.

    • Monster July 4, 2012, 8:26 am

      Shit, now we can never be sister wives.

  • Jason Dever July 3, 2012, 4:55 pm

    What Kate said. 🙂

  • Camels & Chocolate July 3, 2012, 10:46 pm

    Yes to 3, 5, 8, 9, 12, 15 and 16.

    Also to add: If you’re under 30, and I see you with kids of your own, I think you’re just plain crazy.

    • Monster July 4, 2012, 8:28 am

      Try this one on for size: high school classmate of Kyle’s (so she’s 26 just like us,) is on her third. HER THIRD.

  • Jenbug July 5, 2012, 1:14 am

    Well, son of a bitch. Guess I like boobies.

  • Christine July 11, 2012, 9:28 am

    Not sure I can agree with the Game of Thrones/boobies theory. I like GoT, and I don’t think I like boobies. Not even my own, most of the time.

    Also, I must amend your sprinkles (or Jimmies, as Cape Codders call them) remark. I agree with you as far as rainbow sprinkles go, but chocolate sprinkles are the perfect accessory to any ice cream.

    And to quote Avenue Q: “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist.”

    Hope we can still be friends. I would be really bored and lame, otherwise.

  • Christine July 11, 2012, 9:30 am

    Oh, and when I see dudes revving the engines of their Harleys, or their sports cars, I always want to say “Sorry about your limp penis.”

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