Author’s note: This one is pretty much going to be for the ladies. Sorry dudes. (Unless you’re into that kind of thing. We don’t judge here.) If the intricacies of eyeliner doesn’t interest you, take the time you would have spent reading this blog and go google “Kari Byron FHM” instead. You’re welcome.
To say that I’m not very adventurous with my makeup is an understatement.
Actually, you know what, before we go any further, ladies, you go google “Kari Byron FHM,” too. I’m sorry, I don’t care who you are, that shit is hot.
Okay, moving on.
On the list of things I fear, risky makeup is pretty high up there. More than a whisper of eyeliner? Terrifying. Eyeshadow that isn’t some variation on brown, taupe, or nude? Makes me sweat. Lipstick? Whooooa, there Tiger, let’s reel it in before someone gets hurt!
But there’s one makeup trend that has me intrigued. So intrigued that I was willing to risk looking like a jackass in order to give this one a try. It’s the brightly colored eyeliner.
I’ve seen it all over Pinterest and it looks so fun and trendy! And easy! Like I don’t need a degree in cosmetology and and a minor in art history to apply it!
So I set out to try out the crazy eyeliner trend. There were successes, there were some failures, and after multiple trials, this eyeliner trick is officially my new favorite thing. You know why? Because it’s fun and it’s trendy, but also because it’s so. fucking. easy. Seriously, you guys, this is the fabulous lazy girl’s best friend! And since keeping this little piece of makeup magic to myself would make me a super dick, here’s my gift to you, lovely readers of the monster blog:
Rocking Neon Eyeliner in 5 Easy Steps
1) Take a shot.
Let’s face it, the thought of lining your eyes in blue for the first time since the 80’s can be terrifying. Even a bright purple can stop a woman in her tracks and run for the nearest exit. I promise you, I’m not here to lead you astray, brightly colored eyeliner can totally be done with class and taste. But a little liquid courage doesn’t hurt.
2) Choose your weapon.
Don’t do what I did, which was to walk blindly through the Walmart makeup aisle until something brightly colored and eyeliner-shaped catches your eye, grab it without looking, and sneak it into your cart before your husband notices. It ends badly. Instead, take a look at what’s available and which variety you feel you would be most comfortable working with.
So far I’ve tried out three different eyeliners, an “eye definer” (one of those softer liners that screw up from the bottom,) and two liquid liners. My first attempt with color came from Rimmel London’s Exaggerate Waterproof Eye Definer in Purple Shock. (I don’t dick around with color, bitches.) This one was a nice way to ease into the trend. It goes on exactly like my regular eyeliner, nice and smooth but because it’s a little smudgy by nature it’s pretty forgiving if you don’t have the steadiest of hands. (If this is the case, feel free to reapply Step 1 as many times as needed.) And because it’s kinda smudgy, it makes for a softer look, which can feel a little safer for the novice neon liner-er.
But if you’ve got your big girl panties on and are feeling brave, you can skip straight to the ninja star of eyeliner: liquid eyeliner. Mine came in the form of Hard Candy’s Stroke of Gorgeous Felt Tip Liner in Storm (purple) and Nautical (teal.) This shit is not to be trifled with; it’s bright, strong, and unforgiving. There’s no delicate little smudge with this shit; your balls will fly instantly to the wall. But lest I scare you off completely, know that the felt tip makes for super easy application, and the pop of color is undeniable.
3) Choose your level of difficulty.
It’s time to decide how you plan to brandish your weapon. My current favorite application is simply to line the top lid with a single color over a nude lid.
That’s it. Done. Walk away and pour a glass of wine to celebrate being awesome. The bright colors makes the green in my hazel eyes pop out of my skull and it’s faster than my usual morning eye shadow routine. And despite that bitch in your head that tells that you look like a clown, I promise, it’s really not as intense as it feels. Don’t believe me? I wore neon purple eyeliner for three days straight before my husband noticed that I’d done anything different.
Level 2 is adding multiple colors on both top and bottom. One color, two, layer them, bottom and top, whatever floats your boat and finds your lost remote. Again, keep the shadow nude and the lips chill and you can rock any combination you like.
And if you’re feeling super fucking kick-ass bad-ass awesome, rock it with a smokey eye, (which I pretend I know how to apply.)
It makes the color of your eye pop out from the smokiness, and it also helps keep you from looking like a raccoon or worse, a Snooki. Because nobody wants that.
4) Apply with a steady hand.
You can do this. You are strong and you are sexy and you are NOT too old for brightly colored eyeliner. No, you’re not! Take a deep breath, make that weird open-mouth face that every woman everywhere does when applying eye makeup, and do it. What’s the worst that happens, you have to take it off? Tragedy.
5) Punch your man in the kidneys for telling you that the 80’s called and they want their makeup back.
You did it! Now it’s time to rock that shit! Unfortunately for you, if you are attached to a man (husband, boyfriend, coworker, etc) he will be a jackass and make some joke indicating that your eyeliner is reminiscent of the 80’s. He will do this because he is afraid of change. If you have the strength and courage to rock blue eyeliner, who knows what other changes are in store? This could lead to horrible things like a sudden interest in the state of his back hair or an insistence that he quit cutting his toenails in bed! His world as he knows it could change, and this just can’t happen! No, he has to protect his way of being, so he is going to make fun of your makeup. Remind him that you are still the boss and punch him in the kidneys. Problem solved.
And that’s it! Instant rock star!
Now get out there and give traditional eyeliner the finger.