Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness something that I would have bet the rest of my toenails would never happen ever.
I, Stephanie of MonsteRawr, am about to blog about Kim Kardashian.
Somebody call the pope.
For those of you who are lucky enough to live under a rock, Kim Kardashian is the flagship of the Kardashian clan, an empire based on a sex tape and a terrible reality show. Let me state for the record that I haven’t the slightest ounce of respect for this woman. I believe that she is just a brunette Paris Hilton, another dumb rich girl who’s managed to become richer by releasing her skankiness into the universe. (Also? My ass is way better.) However, she has never mattered enough to me to warrant the energy required to hate her. Yes, if I think about it too hard it does piss me off that this dumb slut has more money than she could possibly spend, but it also pisses me off that the Shamrock Shake is only available during the month of March. Yes, it’s unjust and unfair, but honest to god, I have more important things to be pissed about than Kim Kardashian’s existence.
But then I’m standing in line at the grocery store the other day, and numerous magazines are telling me that Mrs Kim has just filed for divorce 72 days after her $20 million wedding. And I go home and get online to verify this fact and–lo and behold!–it’s true. Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from whatever-the-hell-his-name-is after 72 days of marriage. They were married for less than three months.
That shit fucking pisses me off. For one, 72 days is approximately how long I had to listen to the media babble on and on about that fucking circus of a wedding. I remember it was right after the royal wedding, (another union I couldn’t give two shits about,) and the American media was trying to make the Kardashian wedding out to be the American royal wedding. Unending, ceaseless coverage of every detail of that fucking wedding. Play-by-play of the flowers, her dress, his tie, her shoes, who was invited, who wasn’t invited, what they ate, what color the shitter was painted, and on and on and on. Constant reminder that the ceremony would be aired on E!, so make sure you’re watching! I’m pretty sure I had to listen to the dribble about this fucking wedding for months, and she couldn’t be bothered to stick around to try and make this marriage work? This just in, marriage is hard, assholes! But it’s not that fucking hard. For fuck’s sake, even Charlie Sheen managed to stay married for at least a year. The only way I could possibly imagine divorcing after 72 days is if I had never met the guy before our wedding and 72 days into the marriage I walked into the basement to find his collection of human-skin coats. And even then I’d probably make an appointment with a marriage counselor first. For christ sake, I had to suffer through that circus of a wedding and she couldn’t even be bothered to try and work it out after 72 days? Shit, that was barely enough time to cash the $18 million check she was supposedly paid for the rights to her ceremony! No, bitch, no. You need to sit there an think about what you did and what you put me through for at least 6 months. Maybe then I’ll feel slightly vindicated.
But the real reason for my anger, the real reason I want to fly to LA and punch her in the taco, is because of these two women:
This is Heather and Ann.
Heather is one of my best friends on this entire fucking planet, and one of the most beautiful people I know. I’ve never looked, but I’m pretty sure that she literally poops cupcakes and rainbows. If she has one fault, it is that she gives of herself entirely to everyone regardless of her own health and well-being. We’ve been best friends since college, and from the moment I met her I’ve never failed to be amazed by the joy and laughter that she imparts on the rest of the world without looking for anything in return.
The lovely lady next to her is Ann. Heather and Ann have been together for almost three years. Now, I’ve been friends with Heather for quite a while now, since freshman year of college. I’ve seen her in many relationships, some healthy, some not-so-health. But I can honestly say that I have never seen her so happy as she is with Ann. When you’re as giving and selfless as Heather is, it’s easy to get walked on and taken advantage of. Even in some of her healthier relationships with well-meaning people, it always seemed as if Heather was giving more emotionally than she received. But not with Ann. For the first time since I’ve known her, I feel as if Heather is with someone who truly loves and supports her with the same fire and passion that she loves. And as Heather’s friend, one would think that I couldn’t ask for more for her.
Except that I can. You see, Heather and Ann live in Colorado, where gay marriage is still illegal. So even though these two women have been in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship for almost three years now, they legally cannot be married. They can have a ceremony, but they will not be considered a real married couple in the eyes of the government (or God, depending on who you ask.)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Kim Kardashian’s publicity stunt/sham of a marriage makes me so. fucking. angry. My best friend cannot marry the woman she loves, who loves her fiercely in return, but that fame-whore can spend $20 million on an elaborate publicity stunt that makes a mockery of the sanctity and sacredness of marriage and it’s somehow kosher according to the government and God.
You look me in the eye and tell me that Kim Kardashian’s 72 hour marriage is somehow more sacred than Heather and Ann’s because it’s between a man and a woman. Or better yet, look into Heather and Ann’s eyes and tell them. That a man and a woman who clearly don’t have an ounce of love or respect for each other can legally marry and end that marriage 72 days later, but they, who have been lovingly committed to each other and fully supportive of each other for three years, can’t legally marry because they’re both women. That apparently when it comes to marriage–the greatest expression of love two people can have for each other–the love between the human beings doesn’t count for shit. That when it comes to marriage, only the genitals attached to those human beings matter. Explain to them why their love is invalid and Kim Kardashian’s “love” is valid.
Because I sure as fuck don’t understand it.