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I’m Throwing Up Excitement

When I think about all the things that 2014 can hold, I want to throw up.

It’s like the potential is quivering in my stomach, threatening the explode out of my throat and all over the carpet. So much lies ahead of me, so many opportunities, so many chances, so many doors.

There’s something big coming. Something that has the potential to change my whole life.

This isn’t just some little gleam in my eye, something I came up with when drunk because I’m bored with my life. This is no, “Hey, I want to dye my hair crazy-ass colors!” or “I’m going to run a half marathon!” This is something that I want so badly that it makes my chest hurt to think about it. It’s all I’ve been able to think about for the better part of a year, my obsession. (Let’s face facts, it’s entirely responsible for my abandonment of this sacred space.) Sometimes it seems too much, too huge, too impossible; I may or may not have cried more than once during this journey. But the desire has permeated my being so thoroughly that there seems to other option but to achieve this goal, so I slog on.  This isn’t something that I would like, that I would dig, that would be neat; this is something that I must do. I imagine over and over how good it will feel when it’s over, the ecstasy of finally achieving my dream; I haven’t bothered to imagine what will happen if I can’t do it, because that’s not something that I can emotionally handle right now. It won’t be easy, but it’s something I will do.

It’s also something that I’m too afraid to tell you about.

I’m afraid that if I shout it from the rooftops, that if I sing the glories of my epic journey, and then it doesn’t happen…well, just the fact that my dream died will be devastating enough without having to admit to the world that I failed. Not that I think that it’s going to happen. I’m going to achieve this dream. (I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.) But this is too sacred, too important, too deep in my heart for me to play with.

But I promise, as soon as this goal is mine, I will share every moment, as well as the changes that will inevitably result from it. Trust me, I’ll be so fucking ecstatic that they’ll be hearing about it in space.

Until then, here’s to the new year. Let’s grab 2014 together and shake it by the balls.

Steph-NYE

(And no, I’m not fucking pregnant.)

{ 6 comments… add one }

  • guest January 1, 2014, 9:56 am

    I sent you a mail two days ago (from a different address). Glad that there’s no reason to answer it anymore now.

    • Monster January 1, 2014, 10:06 am

      It was actually your email that inspired me to get off my metaphorical ass and write again. Sometimes I forget that there’s actually people (besides my mom) out there who read and enjoy my work. I always assume that no one’s really interested in what I have to say, that no one would notice or care if I slipped into internet nothingness, but the reality is that it’s not about me. I owe it to you guys who keep coming back to keep supplying material. And it took your email to remind me that.

      So thank you. It meant a lot to me.

      • guest January 4, 2014, 1:23 pm

        Thanks. I feel bad about poking you – who am I to ask you to let me look into your 2014?

  • Arielle January 2, 2014, 9:10 am

    Definitely thought you were pregnant! Ha.

  • Kate January 2, 2014, 9:54 am

    Ha! Excellent!
    Cheers!

  • karen January 18, 2014, 9:51 pm

    I ALWAYS read your blog…. & always enjoy it… and can’t wait to hear what this “big” thing is… proud of you & glad you are part of my family….

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