*I would buy a monkey and teach him to push the GO button on a lighting console so that I could prove that the job of light board operator is, indeed, monkey work.
*I would have a laptop computer installed in my shower, since that’s where I do all my thinking. I would have a touch screen installed on the long wall, with an optional slide out keyboard.
*I would buy one of those thumb drive amnesiators from Men in Black. (After hiring someone to invent one, of course.) That way, when I do something totally ditzy, (like freak out because I think my wallet has been stolen when it actually fell out of my purse and got wedged between the passenger seat and the door of my car,) I don’t have to listen to the guys at work make fun of me for the next two months.
*I would buy out TLC, cancel all those ridiculous ungrateful-brides-act-super-bitchy-to-everyone-in-the-vicinity/my-vagina-is-a-slipn’slide-and-now-I-have-50-kids-I-can’t-afford-to-feed-without-a-TLC-show shows, and make it 24 hours of Property Ladder, Hoarders, and What Not to Wear. Awesome.
*I would hire two housekeepers; one who’s only job is to deal with laundry and another who’s only job is to deal with the cat box. And perhaps a third to clean the bathroom, but that’s all.
*I would have the bottom three inches of all our cupboards replaced with a soft, squishy foam, so that every time I slam my head on a cupboard door it will no longer leave a dent in my skull.
*I would hire someone to go to the farmer’s market for me when I can’t go because I have to go to work. Scratch that, let’s make that someone to go to work for me when I can’t go because I have to go to the farmer’s market. Maybe I’d just stop going to work.
*I would hire a fashion designer to design me a new work uniform, something a little more feminine, a little more flattering, and make me look a little less like a bulldyke. (No offense to the bulldykes, it’s just not a very flattering look on me.)
*I would buy you a green dress. (But not a real green dress, that’s cruel.)
*I would pay NASA to develop a super strong nail polish that not only will never chip, but will make my nails themselves indestructible. That way, no matter how many hours I have to spend on my knees picking gaff tape off the dance floor, my manicure will survive unharmed.
*I would hire 20 or so people to stand along my running route so that they could yell encouragements like, “Looking good!” and “Finish strong!” and “Almost there, you can do it!” and my personal favorite, “Holy shit! Your bod is rocking my face!” while I run every morning.
*I would pay a couple for scientists to biochemically engineer cheese fries without any fat or calories, because while sober me gets that cheese fries are off limits, drunk me still can’t figure it out.
So what would you do if you had $1,000,000?
(After buying a house, a pony, and ending world hunger, obviously. That goes without saying.)