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If I Had $1,000,000

*I would buy a monkey and teach him to push the GO button on a lighting console so that I could prove that the job of light board operator is, indeed, monkey work.

*I would have a laptop computer installed in my shower, since that’s where I do all my thinking.  I would have a touch screen installed on the long wall, with an optional slide out keyboard.

*I would buy one of those thumb drive amnesiators from Men in Black.  (After hiring someone to invent one, of course.)  That way, when I do something totally ditzy, (like freak out because I think my wallet has been stolen when it actually fell out of my purse and got wedged between the passenger seat and the door of my car,) I don’t have to listen to the guys at work make fun of me for the next two months.

*I would buy out TLC, cancel all those ridiculous ungrateful-brides-act-super-bitchy-to-everyone-in-the-vicinity/my-vagina-is-a-slipn’slide-and-now-I-have-50-kids-I-can’t-afford-to-feed-without-a-TLC-show shows, and make it 24 hours of Property Ladder, Hoarders, and What Not to Wear.  Awesome.

*I would hire two housekeepers; one who’s only job is to deal with laundry and another who’s only job is to deal with the cat box.  And perhaps a third to clean the bathroom, but that’s all.

*I would have the bottom three inches of all our cupboards replaced with a soft, squishy foam, so that every time I slam my head on a cupboard door it will no longer leave a dent in my skull.

*I would hire someone to go to the farmer’s market for me when I can’t go because I have to go to work.  Scratch that, let’s make that someone to go to work for me when I can’t go because I have to go to the farmer’s market.  Maybe I’d just stop going to work.

*I would hire a fashion designer to design me a new work uniform, something a little more feminine, a little more flattering, and make me look a little less like a bulldyke.  (No offense to the bulldykes, it’s just not a very flattering look on me.)

*I would buy you a green dress.  (But not a real green dress, that’s cruel.)

*I would pay NASA to develop a super strong nail polish that not only will never chip, but will make my nails themselves indestructible.  That way, no matter how many hours I have to spend on my knees picking gaff tape off the dance floor, my manicure will survive unharmed.

*I would hire 20 or so people to stand along my running route so that they could yell encouragements like, “Looking good!” and “Finish strong!” and “Almost there, you can do it!” and my personal favorite, “Holy shit!  Your bod is rocking my face!” while I run every morning.

*I would pay a couple for scientists to biochemically engineer cheese fries without any fat or calories, because while sober me gets that cheese fries are off limits, drunk me still can’t figure it out.

So what would you do if you had $1,000,000?

(After buying a house, a pony, and ending world hunger, obviously.  That goes without saying.)

{ 9 comments… add one }
  • gem October 29, 2010, 1:21 pm

    I would definitely hire someone to do the laundry, litter box and bathroom. I would also hire someone as my personal assistant to make all the phone calls that I don’t want to make. (I.e. asking the landlord to do anything for us, calling my loan agency to defer my loan (although I suppose I wouldn’t have loans anymore), calling my manager and convincing him I need more shifts.) I would also get a therapist. Not that I think I actually have any noteworthy mental issues, hence not paying for it now, but just because I think it’s helpful to have a rational, impartial person at my beck and call to help me sort out my life. I should also add that I wouldn’t tell anyone about my money. I would secretly use it. I wouldn’t even let my roommates know we were getting new windows or I would say that the landlord was paying for them or something…. omg I so need to make this into an entry now because I actually have very specific ways of spending it, haha…

    I think you’re on to something with the therapist idea. I’ve sometimes wished we could have a marriage counselor, not because our marriage is in any kind trouble, but because I want someone to act as a referee. That way, instead of dragging out arguments, someone could just step in and say, “Okay, Stephanie, you’re being totally irrational, take it down a notch. But in fairness, Kyle, you are being a little bit of a jerk.”

  • patience October 29, 2010, 2:15 pm

    i would fix zoes legs.

    i would set some aside in a savings for noah.

    i would give some to my brother dave so he could buy a small modest house for his wife and his kids.

    i would go to a super safe surgeon and remove my extra belly skin.

    i would TRAVEL. ALOT> all the time.

    i would get more awesome tattoos in the places i traveled to.


  • Honest to Christina October 31, 2010, 7:12 am

    I would quit my job and go back to doing something I love without having to worry about the bills.

    And I would shun the eco-lover in me and buy a fancy car,

    Like costuming, acting, or writing.
    (they have pre-wrapped sausage, but the don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.)

  • Honest to Christina October 31, 2010, 7:13 am

    boy I didn’t edit that right.

    Try this:

    I would quit my job and go back to doing something I love without having to worry about the bills.
    Like costuming, acting, or writing.


    And I would shun the eco-lover in me and buy a fancy car,

    boy that makes more sense.

  • Carrie Mae October 31, 2010, 10:57 am

    I would hire someone whose sole purpose would be to keep track of my remote control. And my cell phone.

    After ending world hunger, of course.

  • SVV November 1, 2010, 12:23 am

    I want a tiny little sound gal with an old school and massive eight D-cell battery powered BOOMBOX to follow me around and provide the soundtrack to my life. She would also put said music machine down on command, break out a large sheet of cardboard and cause a break-dance scene to commence (even if we are in church.)

    I would pay for this to happen for the next forty years.

    Only if you promise that at least once a week, large groups of people on the street will break out in choreographed song and dance.

  • Camels & Chocolate November 1, 2010, 10:22 pm

    Have a dozen or so Malteses for Ella to play with–and hire someone to clean up their pee pads and keep them well groomed. White, fluffy dog upkeep ain’t no joke.

    Simultaneously, hire someone to do away with The Cat…shhhh, you didn’t hear that from me!

  • Charm City Kim November 4, 2010, 8:57 am

    I waited a few days before I commented so I could think up something clever and awesome… but then I realized I’m totally boring. If I had $1M, I’d f’n move! And then I’d do other boring responsible adult things like pay off debt (like my husband’s mounting law school tuition).


    But I’d at least buy some really cool shoes.

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