I like to eat hot dogs cold out of the package.
That’s how you know you have a good hot dog: good hot dogs taste delicious cold; cheap hot dogs taste like monkey balls cold.
I’ve never seen Titanic, Jurassic Park, or any of the Back to the Future movies.
I don’t feel like my life is empty for it, either.
I crack my knuckles.
All. The. Time. I also crack my wrists, back, hips, toes, and ankles.
I like to watch cartoons.
And not just classic cartoons from my childhood, modern cartoons, too: Adventure Time, The Amazing World of Gumball, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, and more. I was actually upset when we lost Nickelodeon in the switch from cable to satellite.
I have eaten an entire can of sweetened condensed milk with my finger without shame.
And it was delicious.
I’ve never actually filed my own taxes.
Kyle does our taxes now, and before that, my grandpa did them for me. (To be fair, I had really complicated taxes the year my grandpa did them.)
Though I enjoy watching it, I’m suspicious of The Colbert Report.
I’m afraid that some right-wing wakadoo somewhere is watching it without realizing that it’s meant to be a comedy show and is taking it seriously.
Sometimes I miss living in the ghetto.
Mostly, I miss peeking out of the window between the blinds and watching all the epic fights that either erupted on or migrated to the front yard. That shit was hilarious. Our current neighbors are waaaaaay too civilized to have any kind of entertainment value.
I think it’s hilarious that Paula Deen buttered herself to diabetes and yet, still continues to peddle the same lard-infused, triple deep-fat-fried, drenched in mayo shit food that she’s so fucking famous for.
In general, I don’t find diseases funny. However, if you smash yourself in the face with a hammer repeatedly until you have a concussion and then insist that smashing yourself in the face with a hammer doesn’t cause brain damage while continuing to smash yourself in the face with a hammer…well, you kinda deserve brain damage. Especially when you only come public about your brain damage once you have an endorsement deal from a concussion medication company.
I don’t shave my feet, even thought the tops of them are covered in hair.
It’s fine, blonde hair, so most of the time you can’t see it, but at the right angle it looks like I have hobbit feet. But I just can’t bring myself to shave my toes. Somehow, that just feels like too much.
I don’t like Peeps or Oreos.
Well, that’s only 1/3 true. I like the chocolate cookie in Oreos well enough, but that white lard shit is fucking gross. And the only appropriate way to eat a Peep is to bite the head off, spit the head into the garbage, and stick the headless body to the wall. Leave it there. You’ll be amazed and disgusted by how long it’ll stay there stuck to the wall.