There are few things that can drive me to want to stab people in the neck. Those that sit there after the light has turned green. Overly tan Oompa-Loompa/raccoon hybrids. Anyone associated with the Fox News network. But there is a special black corner in my heart for infuriating commercials. Not annoying commercials. Not repetitive commercials. Not commercials for bad products. No, these are the commercials that make me personally angry and scream at the tv with venom in my voice. These are the commercials that I have vowed never to purchase the products they’re selling, lest someone think that their commercial was successful.
These are the commercials I hate.
Lowes “First Time Home Buyers”
An adorable young couple has just purchased their first home, but it seems as if they’re having some troubles! Their basement becomes flooded with three feet of water, the weight of an anorexic girl is enough to break through their wood flooring, the green paint they chose is “really green,” and their dryer appears to be having seizures. Each one of these troubles is followed by a desperate phone call to their parents, who apparently are of no help. Luckily, their friendly neighborhood Lowes sales associate is there to help them fix all their troubles!
Why I Hate It: Okay, clearly these two crazy kids are mentally retarded, because not only did they buy a totally decrepit house without a) noticing that it’s falling apart or b) getting a damn home inspection so someone else can tell them they bought a piece of shit. So first off, I would not be calling home every five minutes, because I’d be too embarrassed to admit that I paid money for that piece of shit. Second of all, were I old enough to be married and own a house, one would think that I would be old enough to make at least a rudimentary attempt to fix my dryer or re-paint my bedroom instead of crying home to mommy and daddy. But they don’t. No, they let a fucking Lowe’s sales associate tell them how to fix everything. Now, I don’t want to insult the fine Lowe’s sales associates out there; I’m sure they’re all quite qualified. But if you are so stupid that you can’t figure out how to fix the fucking bedroom that you painted fucking green and you have to go ask a fucking Lowe’s sales associate how to fucking fix it, then you are too stupid to live. Go throw yourself off the piece of shit roof of your piece of shit house.
Burger King’s “Team Edward vs Team Jacob”
Burger King is having another one of those stupid peel-off contests, and in this one, you have to choose between Team Gay Sparkly Douchebag and Team I Can’t Wear a Shirt to Save My Damn Life. So in order to help people decide which team to pick, they brought in a legion of mindless twats to tell grown men which imaginary man they should prefer.
Why I Hate It: I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I am so fucking sick of Twilight. In all its forms. I’m sick of the books, I’m sick of the movies, I’m sick of vampires in general. But this…this display of female retardation…it makes me embarrassed to be a woman. That this discussion warrants even a few seconds of a young woman’s time…it just makes me want to stab every one of their little twat faces.
Any and All Red Robin Commercials
There’s several different versions, but the general idea is that someone calls out the first half of the Red Robin jingle, (usually in an attempt to make someone speak who otherwise doesn’t want to,) and the other person feels compelled to return with the second half of the jingle. Think Roger Rabbit’s “shave and a haircut.”
Why I Hate It: Who do you think you are, Red Robin? You think your jingle is soooo fucking universal that a person can’t help but respond to it? You’re not Oscar Mayer or Folger’s Coffee or Klondike Bars! You’re a Fuddrucker’s wannabe who thinks that bottomless french fries makes up for crappy burgers. Wrong. You have a half-assed jingle and an lame-ass concept for a commercial. And the sooner you can come to terms with that, the sooner we can all move on and stop having to listening to that fucking jingle.
Yoplait Light’s Raspberry Cheesecake
Okay, I couldn’t find a video of this one. A woman stands in front of an open fridge, which holds a delectable looking raspberry cheesecake, while she goes over all the ways in which she can justify having a piece. While she’s standing there, agonizing over whether or not she can have a piece, her friend reaches over her shoulder, says, “Mmm, raspberry cheesecake!” and grabs a carton of raspberry cheesecake flavored Yoplait Light. There’s more to it, but I don’t remember. Some gibberish about why Yoplait Light is so fucking great.
Why I Hate It: Don’t get me wrong, I like yogurt, and Yoplait has some good flavors. But they seem very, very confused about one concept. You see, they seem to think that eating raspberry cheesecake flavored light yogurt tastes the same, and is just as satisfying as eating a slice of raspberry cheesecake. This is wrong. Raspberry cheesecake flavored yogurt is not even remotely the same as raspberry cheesecake. It will never be the same. A bunch of chemically created flavorings added to soupy yogurt will never taste as delicious as sweet, rich, creamy cheesecake, topped with tart raspberries, and to insinuate otherwise is not only an insult to my intelligence, but the entire art of food.
Chase Sapphire’s “Dress”
Wife walks into the living room, where husband sits reading the paper, wearing a stunning (and most likely expensive) dress. She strikes a pose and askes, “What do you think?” Husband smiles, stands up, and proposes that they use their Chase Sapphire points to take a weekend getaway. Wife says they can’t. Husband says, “Of course we can,” and launches into a list of reasons why Chase Sapphire makes it possible to do so, accompanied by a bad montage of all the things they could be doing on said vacation. The wife repeats that they can’t use the points for a vacation. Husband says that you can use the points for anything. Wife takes a step back and says, “I know,” indicating that she used the Chase Sapphire points to buy her dress. Husband cracks a huge grin that seems to say, “Oh, you! What a scamp! I love you!”
Why I Hate It: I don’t actually have a problem with this commercial until the end. You see, Chase clearly forgot the last 10 seconds of the commercial, because here’s how that scene would have gone in real life: Wife indicates that she used points to buy dress. Husband smiles, and CRACK, backhands that bitch across the face. Now, before you jump down my throat, I am not a general fan of spousal abuse. But if Kyle found out I used what was essentially our vacation money to buy something for myself, you better believe that he’d kick my ass, and visa versa. (Of course, Kyle would already be pissed about the fact that I bought what looks like a very expensive dress for seemingly no apparent reason, so the fact that I used vacation money to do so would just make him even more furious, but that’s a different story.) And we’d deserve it. That wife did something incredibly selfish, and no husband would just sit there and smile like he was proud of her. That’s the type of action that starts the type of fights that in the best marriage ends with a huge fight, and in the worst ends in divorce. Shit, they weren’t even my points and I’m pissed at that bitch. She was stupid and selfish, and her husband is a stupid pussy for not getting pissed about it so I guess they deserve each other.
Honorable Mention: The Quizno’s “5-4-3 Singing Cat”
(I couldn’t find a video of this one either, but I feel like it’s for the best. Just know that there’s a bunch of weird cat puppets with symbols singing in child-like voices.)
Why I Hate It: I can’t really say I hate it, but I can say those cats creep my right the fuck out.