I know, I know, I’m supposed to be writing Part 2 of Seven Reason Smackdown tonight. I’m not. It’s because I’ve got a bigger rant brewing right now, and it’s just begging to be let out.
I’d like to share a secret with you all. I hate money. Not that hippy “money is bad, man” crap. I generally like money and all the pleasures it can bring. Like nice cheese. I’ve even come to terms with credit cards and paying bills and the like. I can see my bank account online, I can see where the money went, and I can see how much is left. I understand it.
No, what I hate is the world of higher finances. I had a discussion with my husband tonight during which he expressed frustration over the fact that I don’t notice things, like the fact that I apparently have a mutual fund, or the fact that it’s loosing money. How was I supposed to know that this “magic money” floating somewhere out there in the universe existed? How do I even know that it exists at all? Because a piece of paper says so?
I think that’s what frustrates me about real money; it’s all so theoretical. If I’m looking to purchase myself a package of Twizzler Pull and Peels and they are priced at 89 cents, then I better be digging 89 cents out of my cup holder. If I can’t find 89 cents, then I don’t get candy. The end. I know what I have and what I don’t have and what’s stuck to the inside of the cup holder. But mutual funds, money markets, stock, investments…it’s pretty much imaginary. The only proof that this money exists is a number in a system somewhere. What’s worse, the money is alive! It grows, it shrinks, it multiplies, and all for no reason. Or at least reasons that I don’t understand. How do I know that there’s not just some guy hanging out, randomly deciding what my money should do next like a bad World of Warcraft character? I don’t. Neither do you. And yet, I’m expected to fully understand the inner workings of this magic money and make decisions based on it. I’m more informed on the inner workings of a leprechaun. As made apparent by the end of our conversation:
Kyle: Stephanie, this thing is bleeding money.
Me: Maybe it’s gotten better since April.
Kyle: *silence* And we’re in a…what? What’s it called? Oh yeah, a recession!
Me: Well, I don’t know, maybe they’ve invested in-
Kyle: In what? What’s possibly doing well right now?
Me: *pause* Bankrupsy lawyers and pawn shops?
Kyle: Pawn shops?! Why don’t we just take the money and invest it in a crack ring?
It’s a thought. At least we’d get a better return on our money…