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Whatever You Do, Don’t Divide

Summer is coming, which is significant in the Van Sandt household.  Sure, it means that it’s time to clean the grill and dig out our sandals, (or in my case, hide Kyle’s, because they’re dorky looking,) but for us, it also means deciding what we’re doing with our summer.  Like many in the theatre biz, Kyle’s contract is only nine months long, and will pick back up in the fall, leaving the summer wide open.  Last year, we spent our summer months in Wichita, Kansas, and this year we have many options to explore, along with many variables to consider.  The biggest one, of course, being money.

Kyle and I have a saying, when talking about income: “Whatever you do, don’t divide.”  By this, we mean don’t divide your weekly income by the number of hours you put into your job.  Trust me, you don’t want to know what it works out to be.  It just gets depressing.  Theatre jobs, especially those of the summer variety, are notoriously low paying and require incredibly long hours.  And when you realize what a hour of your time is apparently worth, it’s down-heartening.

It was during Kyle’s first summer stock job as Head Electrician that he first made the mistake of doing his math.  By his estimate, he figured he was making about $3.75 an hour.  My first salary job, Electrician for a different summer job, was estimated to pay about $2.50 an hour.  Kyle figures that his last job as a public school teacher  paid about $7 an hour.

Can you believe that?  $7 an hour.  My husband has a BFA from a credible university and he’s running the technical department at his theatre, and he’s pulling less than minimum wage.  That means that there is an entire army of snot-nosed, pimple-faced teenagers slapping cat-meat into tortillas at Taco Bell who are making more money per hour than Kyle.  Sad.

And here’s the thing: I don’t think this phenomenon applies to just our industry either.  I think there’s millions of us out there who slave away at our passions, putting in far more hours than required and receiving far less than we are worth.  Writers, teachers of every variety, anyone in criminal justice; pretty much anyone who is paid salary and is passionate about what they do.  Unless you’re one of those people who has figured out how to get paid retarded amounts of money for sitting on their ass and playing with imaginary money, there’s a really good chance that an hour of your time is being grossly under-priced.

It’s kind-of one of the beautiful things about being paid hourly.  Yeah, despite being a department head, my position is paid hourly.  (I like to think that it’s because our salaries have to be charged to the rental events.  Please don’t tell me otherwise.  Thank you.)  But the glorious thing about it is that I never feel like my time is being wasted; even when I’m at work until 1am on a Saturday loading out the Disco Biscuits, I know that I’m being reimbursed for my time.  (In fact, if I’m at work until 1am, there’s a really good chance that I’m making time-and-a-half.)  I don’t mind staying an extra hour late at work, because I know I’ll be compensated for my time.  And let me tell you, knowing that you’re being paid $20 for that hour of work puts a bigger spring in your step than the contact high you got from standing backstage at the Disco Biscuits concert.

Of course, being paid hourly has its downsides.  If I get sick, I don’t get a sick day, or a personal day; I just don’t get to work that day, which means I don’t get paid.  And those two weeks over Christmas when there weren’t any gigs in our space?  Mm-hmm, I didn’t get paid.  Pretty much if my ass isn’t in that space plugging something in, I’m not getting paid.

I guess what I’m getting at is that we’re all pretty much getting fucked over.  Those of us who are paid hourly don’t get things like paid vacation or sick days, and go broke during the holidays.  Those of you who are paid salary aren’t paid what you should be for the hours you put in.  And all of us, every one of us, is completely under-appreciated.

But then, I s’pose it beats the hell out of paying $1,000 a credit hour  to go to class, doesn’t it?

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Yay for Shiny Things!

Does this post by any chance feel nicer?

Faster?

Brighter?

Sexier?

Well it should, because it’s written on my sexy brand-new laptop!  (Which also happens to be my birthday present from Kyle.  Ain’t he a peach?)

Honest to god, I didn’t really think I needed a new laptop.  I mean, sure, mine is over four years old, (which apparently in laptop years is like, 80 years old,) but it did what I needed it to do.  (Read my e-mail, check my blogs, and spend embarrassing amounts of time on lamebook.com.)

Besides, I tend to initially resist the idea of buying new electronics.  Unlike my dear darling husband, I don’t feel the driving desire to own every new  and shiny toy that comes out.  I think it’s because I resent the fact that electronics have such a short expiration date.  I mean, we’ve figured out how to make cars that drive around on Mars, yet no one can figure out how to make a cell phone that doesn’t have to be replaced after two years?  Shit, I have shoes that have lasted longer!  (RIP, my lovely black Clark’s flats.  You served me well for three years.  Rest well, my sweets.)  Just because Apple spent five minutes making their latest product 1/16″ thinner, I should shell out another $200?  Fuck that noise.  Sure, my dented and scratched clam-shell phone looks a little worse for the wear, (to be fair, it’s been dropped 30′ from two different torm positions,) but if I find myself stranded along-side the road with a flat, I’m pretty sure my piece of shit phone will call AAA just fine.  And yes, my old laptop was a little beaten, (dropped in a parking lot once,) and the lid was a little sticky from the time my cat, Mila, knocked a beer over on it.  But it could still find the internet just fine, my iPod still synced nicely, and so what if it took ten minutes to reboot?

But when push comes to shove, I am a child of my generation.  The love of sleek, shiny new technology is ingrained on my DNA, and the call of the Intel Core 2 Duo processor was too strong.  And to be fair, my old machine was starting to have trouble, and with the increase of use my personal laptop is getting at work, there was a little practicality lurking behind that beautiful 15″ LCD screen.  Which is why I’m now the proud owner of a lovely new Dell Inspiron 1545 and sassy new canvas messenger laptop bag.

Which is why I’ll ask you again.

Does this post by any chance feel sleeker?

Shinier?

More able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

I thought so.

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Happy Fake Holiday!

Wednesday was my Fake Birthday.

My Real Birthday was yesterday, but all day yesterday I was loading in and running lights for John Hiatt.  My next day off is Monday, and Wednesday seemed right, so we named it Stephanie’s Fake Birthday and ran with it.  We celebrated with a wonderful dinner, (wood fire pizza topped with mushrooms, quail egg, and truffle oil..holy hell, it was amazing,) and I was banned from doing dishes or laundry on Wednesday.

Here at the Van Sandt household, we celebrate a lot of Fake holidays.  Fake Valentine’s Day was on the 16th, because on the 14th I was lighting jazz singer Jan Monheit.  Fake Van Sandt Christmas was on Thanksgiving, because on Real Christmas we were with the Dietrich’s, and we couldn’t take enough time off to do both.  And Fake One-Year Anniversary was celebrated two days later, because on the 15th I was lighting (get this) Muttville Comix, a dog circus/magic show for kids.

When my brother and I were growing up, we were both involved in an inordinate amount of sports, classes, clubs, and activities.  Our parents allowed us to explore pretty much every interest that we came across, and they quickly added up.  It meant that we were extremely well-rounded, but as they added up, a few aspects of our lives were sacrificed.  One was the family dinner.  Another was the celebration of holidays.  Now don’t get me wrong, Christmas and Thanksgiving were always celebrated thoroughly, and my and my brother’s birthdays were always acknowledged.  But my birthday, being in March, always managed to line up with a competition, a tournament, or a meet, right when we were neck-deep in our busiest time of year.  And my brother, god bless him, was born five days into January, so close to Christmas that it is very often forgotten completely.  (I’ll send him a birthday present eventually…)

I can never regret the way my brother and I grew up, because it afforded us many invaluable experiences.  But as a result, as an adult celebrating holidays is extremely important to me.  Unfortunately, the life and careers that Kyle and I have chosen means that most holidays one or both of us has to work.  And thus, the invention of the Fake Holiday.  We may not celebrate our holidays on the same day everyone else does.  That special evening that other families are spending time together, other couples are sharing a romantic dinner, and other friends are sharing a relaxing barbecue, we are more likely to be found pushing faders behind a light board or shlepping cable from a road case.

But come hell or high water, our holidays will be celebrated.  Even if it’s the two of us, dirty and exhausted, on the couch after work clinking together the neck of our beers and toasting our Cheesy Gordita Crunches.  We celebrate it up, Van Sandt style.

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Just Call Me Motherfucking Nature

I’ve long suspected that I am awesome.  But today, I got my proof.  I confirmed that I, Stephanie Van Sandt, control the weather. (But subconsciously, because I don’t know I’m doing it.)

Example: We moved to Saratoga Springs, NY, where snowfalls are known to be on the epic side and skiing is supposed to be plentiful.  Kyle’s been dying to go all season, but due to schedules, it’s never worked out.  Except the last two weeks, which I had off.  So Kyle decides two weeks ago that come Monday, we’re going skiing.  I do not want to go skiing, because I don’t really know how and I have yet to find ski pants that weren’t made for an anorexic Etheopia, and I refuse to feel clumsy and fat in the same day.  But I can’t really say no.  Which is clearly why I made it be 40 degrees and sunny last weekend so that by Monday, all the snow was gone.  Gone.  No skiing for Stephanie!  Thanks, me!

Example: As previously stated, I’ve had the last two weeks off.  (This is a slow month for us, lay off.)  About half-way through, Kyle got sick with the “crap;” you know, when you’re tired and you’re nose is stuffed and runny and your sinuses hurt and you feel yucky and take it upon yourself to be a general pain in the ass.  I, on the other hand, felt just dandy, and was very productive.  Until Tuesday night, when the back of my throat started to feel yucky.  (Yes, that is a medical term.  Shut up, I’m sick.)  Which was timed impeccably, considering there was a 7am call scheduled for Wednesday morning, followed by a gig on Thursday.  I knew I was starting to get sick, (thanks, Kyle,) but what can I do?  It’s not like I can call in sick my first day back to work after two weeks off!  Which is clearly why I made it dump two feet of wet snow on Saratoga Springs, causing my boss to tell me not to bother trying to make it to Albany for the event Wednesday morning and my boss’ boss to postpone the event on Thursday.  Obviously my subconscious knew that I was getting sick, and wanted to give me an extra two days off and not make me get up at 5am this morning.  Thanks, me!

Okay, so I only have two examples, but clearly that’s because my powers are new and still developing.   And with my budding powers, I will surly be able to whip up something, (like a blizzard or hurricane or sandstorm, I’m not picky,) next week so that I can have my birthday off.

Happy birthday to me.

(Right?)

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