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Why I Hate Halloween

I am a total holiday whore.

Okay, so not a wearing ugly Santa sweaters whore.  And I don’t do the sparkly heart-shaped deely-boppers for Valentine’s Day.  But I do love holidays.  I start listening to my John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album shortly after Thanksgiving, I think St Patrick’s Day should be spent completely inebriated, and yes, I DO expect Kyle to get me something for Valentine’s Day every year.  (Even if it does take a little arm-twisting.)  I love the good food that goes with most American holidays, and I like that for a few weeks or even one day, I get to escape for my dark, cynical little world and feel that there is still some good and still a reason to be happy left in the world.  So even if I don’t get to celebrate them, I really do love holidays.

However.  There are two major holidays that don’t rock my boat.  One is Easter, because once you get too old (and by old, I mean health-conscious) for Reese’s peanut butter eggs, there’s no point to the holiday anymore.

The other?  Halloween.

I hate Halloween.

It was college that ruined it for me, really.  I didn’t always hate Halloween.  As a kid, though I was never bonkers about it, free candy and a class party was always something I could get excited about.  And costumes were easy, because with the exception of the year my favorite aunt bought me the bad-ass store-bought (store-bought!) Little Mermaid costume, I was the same thing every year: a ballerina.  Which really meant that I wore whatever I’d worn in my dance recital the previous June.

But, again, once you’re too old to be knocking on doors and getting candy, about half the significance of the holiday goes down the tubes.  All that’s left for adults is an excuse to go to crazy costume parties and get shwasted once a year.  Except that when you go to a fine arts college and major in theatre, EVERY party is a costume party.  Literally.  About every two weeks, there would be another party, with another theme: Pirate Party, Anything But Clothes Party, Superhero Party, Pimps ‘n Hoes Party, Song Lyric Party, Dressed to Get Fucked Party, White Trash Bash, Rock Star Party…the list was endless.  I dug going to parties, but it was starting to feel like I couldn’t go to a party just…as Stephanie.  I had to be someone else.  The magic of getting to play dress-up and be someone else for a while wore off, and I found myself just wanted to be me.

Of course, the magic might not have worn off if it weren’t for the other reason I despise Halloween: I suck at coming up with costumes.  Hardcore.  And in this day and age, I have two choices: my costume must either be very clever and witty, or very skanky.  And I am good at pulling off neither.  Especially when the former requires a good deal of time and money to put said costume together, and the latter requires of smoking hot body, and I have none of those things.  It just seems like a lot of money and effort, and for what?  So I can get drunk and make an ass of myself?  Shit, I don’t need to be in costume to do that.  I can get drunk and make an ass of myself just fine in regular clothes, thank you.

But I suppose I can’t be too upset with Halloween.  After all, it was at a Halloween party that my husband and I first got together.  But this year, I may keep my costume simple, and go as a drunk girl.

After all, I’ve got everything I need already in my closet.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Camels & Chocolate October 15, 2009, 11:27 am

    DUDE. I feel the same. I absolutely detest the stress that comes with concocting a genius Halloween costume idea then setting that in motion.

    I also hate the whole “slutty nurse,” “slutty cat,” “slutty anything” that comes with the holiday. The last time I celebrated was three years ago when a bunch of friends and I dressed up as (non-slutty) goddesses and went to this party in Tribeca and a model’s house, in which we (all 5’6″ or so) were dwarfed by the other models there, the fattest by far and the only ones not donning “slutty” attire. Since then, I’ve all but banished Halloween from my lexicon.

    Though good God I love me some pumpkins!

  • Natalie October 15, 2009, 11:50 am

    Yes! I get so sick of Halloween being so skanalicious. It totally ruined what could have been an awesome holiday.

    I’m far too lazy to come up with a creative costume, and I’m far too cheap to pay a lot of money for a prefabricated creative costume, so I just stick on some cat ears, wear black, and draw whiskers on my face with eyeliner. Lazy cat! Mwahaha.

    Totally agree with the last comment on here, though, about pumpkins kicking ass. I have an unhealthy obsession.

  • Charm City Kim October 15, 2009, 12:19 pm

    I love a themed party! people I know don’t have enough… I’d be all over pirate party.

    But I’m with you – I’m not clever. And if I’m dressing up, I want to be clever dammit. but I also want to be clever on the cheap.

    I think last year I threw in the towel and just wore one of my mom’s old dresses from the 70s. So I was my mother. The year before? I was a COW. You read that correctly. I kept that costume because I’m dying to wear it again but for what? And I don’t want the cow costume to be my Halloween thing.

  • hillary October 15, 2009, 5:40 pm

    I hate HATE what Hallowe’en has become – an opportunity for chicks to dress up like total skanks. I get it, it’s fun to dress a little wild. However, I’m not okay with seeing everyone’s ass cheeks at a bar. I think I’m getting old 🙂

  • allison October 15, 2009, 6:39 pm

    hahaha I love the end of this post.

    I had honestly NEVER been to a theme party before grad school. Now, yes we’ve had several theme parties like you mentioned. I think it’s fun though, maybe because it’s new to me, but also because I hang out with these people four days a week in a school environment as Allison, so it’s fun to be goofy with them as someone/thing else.

    And Halloween, I’ve always loved just because you get to dress up! I’m not into theater so it’s still a novelty to me. I like to think I have good costumes, maybe not crazy creative, but entertaining just the same. And I’ve NEVER been a slut! Yay!

  • doahleigh October 16, 2009, 8:36 am

    I so suck at halloween. And you know I hate the skank factor. One of my favorite scenes in Buffy (with which I’m currently obsessed) is when Willow shows up to a costume party in a cumbersome eskimo costume. And she was so proud of it! It wasn’t skanky – at all – and it wasn’t all that clever. It was just a costume. What happened to such simplicity?

  • adriana October 16, 2009, 11:26 am

    I suck at Halloween, too, and it makes me dislike it. My perfect costume would be something a little creative and maybe a little sexy, but not slutty. I HATE slutty costumes. I hate that they CALL them “slutty” costumes! Grrr. That said, I need a damn Halloween costume for a party my best friend is throwing. And I am once again drawing a blank. Boo.

  • gem October 20, 2009, 12:34 pm

    Be a ghost. Just get a sheet, poke some holes, voila! It’s also not at all skanky, so there’s another plus. I did it last year and it was all the rage. People were like “seriously?” Nobody expects a real costume, they only expect the skankery, so anything non-skanktastic is a total win.

  • SassyGirl October 21, 2009, 12:23 pm

    “my costume must either be very clever and witty, or very skanky” – I’m bad at both too! I usually end up going for whatever’s easiest. Like, being a vampire. All I have to do is put on fake teeth, and I don’t really have to dress up at all (especially now, what with the whole Twilight/True Blood series).
    But I did love going trick-or-treating as a kid, mostly because my parents NEVER bought me candy, so Halloween was my only source for a year’s supply of sweets. Nowadays, there’s something called Trick-or-Eat which is the same idea except that you go around asking for non-perishable food donations instead of candy. It’s just as fun and most people end up giving us some candy anyway (especially near the end of the night).

  • Mike October 27, 2009, 9:34 am

    Yeah, it is really hard for us (my wife and I as well) because she doesn’t do the slutty thing, and I hate dropping $100 or more on something I will wear once every 10 years or so (glad I didn’t have to buy a prom dress!). But that being said, you are a cutie! You could totally pull off a “slutty” costume if you wanted to (although I am not advising it).