All blogs get it. At best, it’s an annoyance. At worst, it inspires within me a rage so white hot that hunting those fuckers down and introducing their skulls to a 2×4 doesn’t sound so irrational. I was actually pretty excited the first time I got spammed; it meant to me that my presence in the blog world was large enough to at least attract the attention of spammers. That excitement, as one would imagine, quickly wore off about the first time I got an onslaught of 35 spam comments in one day, and my hate-fucking hate relationship with spam began.
For those of you who aren’t targets of their bullshit, spam comes in the form of a ridiculous automated comment by a shitty website that wants nothing more than to put their link up on your website. So far, spam comments seem to come in two basic varieties.
First, there’s the gibberish comment. These comments usually look like this:
Submitted on 2011/05/28 at 4:16 pm
m8pynK jahlanolgiqi, [url=http://vjljfyeediy.com/]vjljfyeedimy[/url], [link=http://fpepwuyznwmg.com/]fpepwuyznwmg[/link], http://fxtgjemlx.com/
You can’t tell because I broke their links, but there are four links in the comment alone, plus the link attached to their name. But as you can see, it’s complete gibberish. And it’s usually commenting on a post that I wrote at least 6 months, if not a year ago. These comments are super easy to identify as spam; I’m pretty sure a blind chimp with Down Syndrome could figure it out.
And then there’s the sneaky variety of spam comment. These usually look like this:
Submitted on 2011/04/30 at 6:02 am
Greetings! I’ve been following your site for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Lubbock Tx! Just wanted to mention keep up the great work!
These are harder to spot. If you just read the comment, it looks like a normal, very nice comment. But there were two things that gave it away: 1) The comment was on a post that not only did I write almost 4 months ago, but it’s a post that for some reason all the spammers comment on, and 2) their name is “online games”. Caught, motherfucker. This variety of spam also tends to give itself away by absolutely decimating the English language, as if English is not only not their first language, it’s not their second, third, or fourth, either. The sneaky spam comment is harder to catch, especially if you are a smaller blogger like me and delighted by each and every comment. It’s hard to be showered with praise only to realize that the person doing the showering not only didn’t even read your shit, but is just trying to peddle their own shit.
But today, I was introduced to a new variety of spam comment: the sneaky dickface comment. Today I received this comment:
|Toms Shoes Coupons||
Submitted on 2011/06/02 at 1:07 pm
The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention.
Now, I know it’s spam because it’s on that same spam-favorite post, (which is now getting its comments closed,) but the “Toms Shoes Coupons” was a dead give away, too. But what a dickface! It’s bad enough you leave me a generic, un-specific comment that was clearly posted by some fucking little cunt-bot, but you programmed your little cunt-bot to be a dick! Even if I was the blind chimp with Down Syndrome’s retarded cousin who couldn’t identify this comment as spam, I still wouldn’t let your comment through because you’re clearly flaming me, you pus-dripping, wrinkled little fava beaned dick! Bunch of whining, my ass! Congratulations, fuck nugget, you literally just dicked yourself out of your own spam.
But that’s not the best part. Oooooh, no. The best part is that not 2 hours later, I received this comment from the exact same “commenter” on the exact same post:
|Toms Coupon Codes||
Submitted on 2011/06/02 at 3:04 pm
Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and actual effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to get something done.
So which is it Coupon Tom? Am I a worthless, whining piece of shit or the motherfucking reincarnation of Vonnegut? Quit playing with my emotions, Coupon Tom. Or at the very least, try to keep track of which posts on which websites you’ve already fucking spammed with dickface spam.
But I digress. Despite my irritation at spam, this jizz-on-toast actually makes me smile. Not only at the blatant stupidity that occurred here, but also because it reminds me that though the war between spammers and bloggers rages on, it’s a one-sided war. If we are warriors on horseback brandishing swords, they are monkeys taste-testing their own arsenal of poo. Obnoxious and infuriating? Absolutely. A true threat? Not at all.