Are they fair? Not at all. (Hence the title.) Are they true? Not always. Am I guilty of similar fashion or social transgressions? Absolutely. Is it wrong of me to judge people? You bet your ass. But wrong or not, these are the things I think when I look at you.
If I see you eating any form of ice cream covered in sprinkles, I assume that you have poor taste in general.
If you look like you have long neglected your dental hygiene and you ask me for money, I assume that you would use it to buy drugs.
If you ride through downtown continuously revving the engine of your gigantic Harley, I assume that you’re a needy jackass who wants attention.
If I see you running anywhere, I assume that you’re at the end of at least ten miles and are a far superior runner to me.
If I see you running anywhere past 9:00pm, I assume that you are trying to get mugged.
If I see you wearing a tshirt that I recognize as having been purchased from either Woot.com or Threadless.com, I assume that you are awesome and we will be best friends.
If I see a chick get off the crew bus with the rest of the crew and she doesn’t immediately start unloading the truck, I assume she’s the Merch Bitch.
If I see you wearing leggings of any variety without anything covering your bum, I assume that you forgot to finish getting dressed, you’re horribly embarrassed, and the only place you could possibly be headed is home to put on your pants.
If I see you wheeling a stroller anywhere that contains a small dog instead of a baby, I assume that you also own a pink velour sweatsuit and are in dire need of a deep dickin’.
If I see that you are not singing along to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” even though we’re all intoxicated, I assume that you are also the kind of person who drowns kittens and makes fun of orphans for not having parents.
If I see that you are a fan of Game of Thrones, I assume that you are also a fan of boobies.
If you are a dude and your jeans are skinnier than mine, I assume that either you like dick or you are one.
If I hear you begin a sentence by saying, “Well, I’m totally not racist but-“, I assume that the rest of the sentence will be incredibly racist.
If I shake your hand and your handshake is limp, I assume that you are the kind of person who will run away from things that scare them.
If I see that you have dreads, I assume that you consume pot in some form on a semi-regular basis.
If I see that you are white and have dreads, I assume that you also smell bad.