The reason I had to boob punch Kyle is because when I asked him for the 50,000th time what he wanted for his birthday besides a fucking Utilikilt he gave me the Man Grunt.
If you are currently the wife/girlfriend of a dude, you know exactly what I’m talking about, and it pisses you off just as much as it does me. If you’re not, I’ll explain.
The Man Grunt is a short, one syllable grunt that all men are capable of uttering when they are completely uninterested in what you’re saying, but know that you’re expecting a reaction out of them. Each man has his own unique grunt. Kyle’s sounds, as best I can write it, something like this:
The Man Grunt is usually given as a response when whatever currently capturing his attention is monumentally more interesting to him than whatever it is I am saying. The eye will never leave their primary focus, and the mouth will not actually move from its given state. (Which explains the complete lack of consonant sounds in his grunt.) If asked to repeat what I just said he will usually be able to parrot back the last sentence spoken, but the exact meaning behind that collective of words will generally be lost on him.
What’s particularly fascinating about the Man Grunt is the myriad of definitions that it has. Each man can apply his own grunt to countless situations in an attempt to communicate their point without actually putting any effort into the message. Possible definitions for the Man Grunt include:
“I don’t know.”
“Absolutely, that sounds great,”
“I’m not really into that.”
“I am indifferent.”
“This subject makes me feel uncomfortable.”
“Go away, you’re annoying me.”
“More __insertfoodorbeveragehere__, please.”
“Wonderful dinner, honey, you’re an amazing cook.”
“You look fantastic.”
“That’s nice honey, I don’t care.”
“I love that outfit on you.”
“I’m trying to sleep and if you turn on the light again I will cut you.”
“I acknowledge that you are right, but I’m going to do my own dumbass thing anyway.”
“Please, tell me more.”
“I don’t like your idea but I’m too lazy to come up with my own.”
“I’m not going to tell you that I don’t want to go out tonight so I’m going to make the process as difficult as possible.”
“That outfit makes you look like the love child between Susan Boyle and a manatee, but you’ve already changed clothes four times and I don’t want to go through that again, so it’s fine.”
“I’m handling it.”
The man relies on the intelligence of the woman and her familiarity with his particular grunt, paired with the situational context, to ensure that his message is being communicated properly. Of course, this can be problematic, as many women (especially this one) have trouble distinguishing the many definitions of the Man Grunt with its most common translation:
“I hear that you’re talking, but I can’t pull my focus away from whatever other dumbass thing I’m doing long enough to give you the attention that you deserve.”
This can cause the woman to feel disrespected and marginalized, often attempting to battle the man grunt with raised voice, fingers snapping in front of his face, hands on the hips, increased frequency of the phrases such as ‘r-tard’ and ‘dumbass’, verbal threats of consequences to be carried out or privileges withheld, and in extreme case, mild violence.
And that’s why I had to boob punch Kyle.