≡ Menu

Jewelry Commercials Lied to Me

Just before Christmas, there was a commercial advertising a jewelry store that ran periodically on the tv stations that I frequent.  (*cough*VH1andOxygen*cough*)  I think it was for Kay Jewelers, or something.  I don’t know.

It featured a man and a woman, sharing a moonlit skate on a frozen pond in the middle of a snowy forest.  They slip and stumble and slid into each others arms, laughing all the while.  It’s romantic, it’s magical, and it ends with jewelry.  *Sigh*

Fast forward a couple weeks.  Kyle mentions that the state park in which he works made a little ice rink out back of his theatre.  Hmm.  Oh, and did I mention that said faux-pond is tucked away in a small patch of forest?  And if I meet Kyle after work, it should be right around twilight by the time we hit the ice?  Ladies and gentlemen, my ticket to pure romance!

Except that there’s a problem.  The jewelry commercials lied.  They lied about everything.

I meet Kyle after work.  I’m wearing two pairs of tights under my jeans and three shirts under my down ski coat, because it is fucking cold outside.  And feeling a little like the Michelin man.  We trudge through the snow out to the pond, and after shuffling awkwardly across the ice to the picnic table, we strap on twin pairs of hockey skates and hit the ice.  Cue up the romance!

Except only one of us really “hit the ice.”  Well, we both technically hit the ice.  It’s just that Kyle hit it with his skates, and I hit it with my face.  And instead of slipping into my husband’s arms, giggling and blushing and receiving necklaces all the way, it was more of a slip and skid and swear loudly and watch my husband’s ass fly across the pond.  Because nature-made ponds?  Are bumpy and rough and crack so that your skate falls through the ice and gets wet and curse words fall out of your mouth.  And the whole time your husband, (who used to play hockey,) is skating backwards and doubled over while he cackles hysterically as you “Whoa-whoooooa-whoooa,” your way across the rough ice and flap your arms wildly in an attempt to keep your ass from re-acquainting itself with the ground. Oh, and here’s a head’s up: ice skating under the stars is not romantic.  It just means you can’t see that big hole in the ice that you’ve already fallen in twice as you round the far end of the pond.  And the whole time my nose is dripping continuously, I smell like damp wool, I can’t feel either my fingers or my face and my husband won’t hold hands with me because I can’t skate without swinging them wildly.

Fun?  It was.  Good exercise?  Most definitely.  Romantic?

Like farting under the sheets.

{ 10 comments… add one }
  • adriana January 12, 2010, 12:56 pm

    I love this post… it’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while, because I can totally picture it! And I totally know what commercial you’re talking about! I can’t ice skate to save my life – at least you attempted it.

  • Mike C January 12, 2010, 2:51 pm

    TV lies to us? Shocking.


  • Suzy Voices January 12, 2010, 2:53 pm

    Oh man, I would be TERRIFIED to skate on a frozen pond. I’ve just seen way too many movies where people fall through the ice. Have you considered that your husband may have been trying to murder you???

    Nah. The “pond” was made by flooding a grassy area, the water was only about three inches thick. If he’s truly trying to kill me, he’s going to have to be a lot more creative than that!

  • allison January 12, 2010, 3:06 pm

    I went skating on an outdoor rink last month, and it wasn’t even a POND, just water frozen over an expanse of parking lot, and those little pebbles were still enough to trip me up.

    I feel like that last two lines of this post would be a killer marketing scheme for something.

  • gem January 13, 2010, 5:32 pm

    Haha, farts.

  • Charm City Kim January 14, 2010, 9:51 am

    I think you should make your OWN jewelry commercial… one that realistically portrays skating on ice (I laughed so hard reading this post and imagining myself in your position).

    … and of course it should end with farting under the sheets.

  • Camels & Chocolate January 14, 2010, 1:08 pm

    Wow. Now that does sound mighty romantic, farting under the sheets and all…

  • Ben/Kate January 14, 2010, 2:04 pm

    hi! just hopped over here from Smells like Happy’s blog–I love your wry sense of humour.
    very good.

  • ChinkyGirLMeL January 16, 2010, 8:38 pm

    Oh no! So much for my little ice skating romance that I had pictured in my head too. Ugh. Well thanks for the head’s up. I couldn’t help but chuckle though as you narrated what happened, I could actually picture it out happening to me. =) It’s so funny. =)

  • doahleigh January 18, 2010, 8:23 pm

    Never try to re-enact a commercial. Always dangerous!

Leave a Comment