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Facts You’ll Probably Judge Me For

I like to eat hot dogs cold out of the package. 

That’s how you know you have a good hot dog: good hot dogs taste delicious cold; cheap hot dogs taste like monkey balls cold.

I’ve never seen Titanic, Jurassic Park, or any of the Back to the Future movies.

I don’t feel like my life is empty for it, either.

I crack my knuckles.

All. The. Time. I also crack my wrists, back, hips, toes, and ankles.

I like to watch cartoons.

And not just classic cartoons from my childhood, modern cartoons, too: Adventure Time, The Amazing World of Gumball, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, and more. I was actually upset when we lost Nickelodeon in the switch from cable to satellite.

I have eaten an entire can of sweetened condensed milk with my finger without shame.

And it was delicious.

I’ve never actually filed my own taxes.

Kyle does our taxes now, and before that, my grandpa did them for me. (To be fair, I had really complicated taxes the year my grandpa did them.)

Though I enjoy watching it, I’m suspicious of The Colbert Report.

I’m afraid that some right-wing wakadoo somewhere is watching it without realizing that it’s meant to be a comedy show and is taking it seriously.

Sometimes I miss living in the ghetto.

Mostly, I miss peeking out of the window between the blinds and watching all the epic fights that either erupted on or migrated to the front yard. That shit was hilarious. Our current neighbors are waaaaaay too civilized to have any kind of entertainment value.

I think it’s hilarious that Paula Deen buttered herself to diabetes and yet, still continues to peddle the same lard-infused, triple deep-fat-fried, drenched in mayo shit food that she’s so fucking famous for.

In general, I don’t find diseases funny. However, if you smash yourself in the face with a hammer repeatedly until you have a concussion and then insist that smashing yourself in the face with a hammer doesn’t cause brain damage while continuing to smash yourself in the face with a hammer…well, you kinda deserve brain damage. Especially when you only come public about your brain damage once you have an endorsement deal from a concussion medication company.

I don’t shave my feet, even thought the tops of them are covered in hair.

It’s fine, blonde hair, so most of the time you can’t see it, but at the right angle it looks like I have hobbit feet. But I just can’t bring myself to shave my toes. Somehow, that just feels like too much.

I don’t like Peeps or Oreos.

Well, that’s only 1/3 true. I like the chocolate cookie in Oreos well enough, but that white lard shit is fucking gross. And the only appropriate way to eat a Peep is to bite the head off, spit the head into the garbage, and stick the headless body to the wall. Leave it there. You’ll be amazed and disgusted by how long it’ll stay there stuck to the wall.

{ 13 comments… add one }
  • Christine April 10, 2012, 1:29 pm

    More we have in common. Though I don’t now, I used to eat cold hot dogs. Its just tube shaped bologna. And I likewise do not like the filling in the Oreo or Peeps. The only marshmallow I will eat is toasted in a s’more.

  • Christine April 10, 2012, 1:30 pm

    How come a grape with green hair pops up next to my name in the comments? Is that how you see me?

    • Monster April 10, 2012, 3:59 pm

      Yes, because you’re sweet and if I hang out with you long enough eventually wine will be involved.

      (Also, because it’s a thing I found in my Wordpress settings that will assign an avatar to a commenter if they don’t have one, and I thought these looked like little monsters. But mostly the wine thing.)

  • Lauren April 10, 2012, 2:57 pm

    Awh, that poor Peep!! I hardly know anyone who likes Peeps. But… I do. I don’t go out and buy them myself, but if they’re sitting on the dessert table, I’m on ’em. (Know what else I’ll eat? Those marshmallow circus peanuts. Yeah. Gross.)

  • Arielle April 10, 2012, 6:56 pm

    I also assume that there are right-wing crazies out there who adore The Colbert Report without realizing that it’s satire. This scares and saddens me. Also, I will take the filling from your Oreos. DELICIOUS.

  • Kate April 11, 2012, 9:57 am

    Some of these I do too. (The only part of me i dont crack is my jaw–hips/knees/toes/knuckles/back/etc. all get popped several times a time.) Some I don’t do, but won’t judge you for them. (I wont eat any kind of hot dog at any temperature.) But I will only judge you for one of these things–not seeing Back To The Future. Titanic is WAY overrated (actually Jezebel recently posted a fucking hilarious “Re-Watched Titanic” review you should read); Jurassic Park is fantastic, but probably only saw it in theaters, as now it will look cheesy with poor effects. But Back To The Future!! It’s a classic!! My poor rock star hadn’t seen it either until a couple of years ago; but he’s glad to have it in his life now.

    • Monster April 11, 2012, 10:10 pm

      I know, I know. My ex-boss used to keep a running list of all the movies I’m supposed to watch in order to be considered part of the human race, and it was long.

  • Charm City Kim April 12, 2012, 6:35 am

    Have you seen Phineas and Ferb? My husband turned me onto it (and our child doesn’t even watch tv yet). It is pretty funny.

    You know what I don’t like that people seem to go ape shit over? Cadbury creme eggs. Yuck. It looks like a chocolate egg filled with semen. No thanks.

    • Monster April 12, 2012, 7:52 am

      If only that’s what semen tasted like. There’d be a hell of a lot more blow jobs going on in this world, I can tell you that.

      (Also, I’m aware of Phineas and Ferb, but it wasn’t one I ever got into before we lost Disney in the switch from cable to satellite.)

  • adriana April 13, 2012, 10:55 pm

    Dude. Next time, try boiling the can of condensed milk before you eat it – then it becomes dulce de leche and it’s even more amazing!

    Also – we talk about Colbert all the time – people we know definitely think he’s serious, and it is indeed sometimes scary!

  • Keely April 21, 2012, 9:32 am

    I’ve never filed my own taxes either. That’s what H&R Block is for, yeesh.

  • doahleigh April 22, 2012, 11:13 am

    You can crack your hips? I’m so jealous. I regularly crack just about every part of my body, but I have no idea how to crack my hips.

    • Monster April 22, 2012, 11:42 am

      Lift your leg to the side, but keep it parallel to your standing leg. Now stick your bum out, letting your torso hinge forward at the hips. It should look like you’re ripping an exaggerated and comical fart. It won’t take much; if they have to pop, they will. I can’t do that one more than once a day or so, but it feels good when it does.

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