Hi! How’re things? Listen, can we talk? Because you girls are out of control.
Look, I know none of us were really happy when you guys were tiny little A’s in high school, so I was really proud senior year when you guys grew to B’s. I was even excited about your growth into C’s in college; you were perfect then. I could cram you both into a sports bra for dance class and workouts, and you were totally contained and out of the way. But I could also put you on display in a great push-up bra and turn a few heads. You filled out swimsuits nicely, but didn’t explode out of a strapless dress. And being an unusual size at 34C meant that there were always plenty of BioFits left in my size at Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale. I loved you then.
But lately, you guys just don’t seem to know when to stop. At first I thought it was my fault. I mean, I had put on some weight, and I’m sure you girls took on a little extra, yourselves. But over the last several months, the weight gain has come to a halt; in fact, I’ve even lost a little weight. And yet, you guys are still growing. You’re damn near full-sized D’s!
The problem isn’t the letter; that’s irrelevant. No, the problem is that lately, you can’t seem to keep still, and you’re kind-of in the way. Like when I’m playing Island Biking on the Wii Fit, and I’m doing that awkward little prance in the living room that makes me feel like a jackass? You’re actually making my chest start to hurt. Sometimes when it’s really bad, I have to hang on to you because it feels like the next bounce is going to make you two actually drop off my chest like a lump of bread dough falling off the counter. In a sports bra!
It also seems like lately I can’t eat anything with any kind of sauce without ending up with at least some of it on you. Look, I don’t know if you’re hungry or just feeling ornery, but either way, it’s starting to piss me off. I’d like to be able to finish a meal at work without one of the guys having to be like, “Uh, Steph…you got…you got something on your, your, um, (*whispered*) boob.” Just get out of the way!
And all those cute little summer tops that I bought last year? That showed a little of your cleavage, but still kept it classy? That you are now spilling out of?! Or worse, all my button-up blouses that still fit great in the waist but are now bursting at the bust? Not cool, girls, not cool.
So if you two could talk, maybe work out a game plan, and see if you can figure out how to get yourself under control, that would be great. Unless of course, you want to start hearing words like, “breast reduction” being thrown around. It’s not, but I’m just saying, get it together.
PS: Kyle says keep up the good work.