I submit: to follow are 5 things that have made the world a more beautiful place simply by coming into existence. I have heavily considered sending their creators muffin baskets to thank them for making my life a more hilarious, beautiful or delicious place. Simply put, they are fucking awesome.
Bitchin’ Kitchen is a cooking show that airs on The Cooking Channel, hosted by Canadian-born Nadia G. Now, like most cooking shows, (Alton Brown’s Good Eats notwithstanding,) Bitchin’ Kitchen does not really make me want to cook; they all tend to use ingredients that are beyond the average pantry and cook recipes that sit just beyond the comfort zone of the average pallet. There are two things, however, that make Bitchin’ Kitchen unlike most cooking shows: a hilariously wicked sense of humor and a collection of stilettos that would make a grown woman (or man) come to orgasm. With cherry red lips and an accent that sounds like a Jewish/Italian/Russian/Generally Old World hybrid, Nadia G spits sass and fire with lines like, “Pizza night is sure to bring your family, and thighs, closer together,” “I’m gonna sucker punch this dough in the spleen,” and my personal favorite, “Now we’ll use one of my patented life techniques and put out liquor-induced fires with more liquor.” Honest to god, I don’t watch Bitchin’ Kitchen so much for the cooking as I do just to watch Nadia G do her thing. And just in case her sense of humor and wardrobe aren’t enough to lure you in, there’s the mysterious Spice Agent to educate us on spices, the suave Panos to tell us all about fish and meat, and the delectable cut of beef known as Hans to talk about health. No matter your taste there’s a flavor of delicious for everyone! (Mmmm…Hans…mmmm…Nadia’s shoes…)
*Evan Williams Eggnog
Let me preface this by saying that I love eggnog, of both the alcoholic and non-alcoholic pursuations. Rich and thick and sweet, the good stuff tastes like a melted milkshake and hugs all in one glass. Someday I will fulfill my ultimate fantasy of making french toast with eggnog instead of milk. But Evan Williams Eggnog is no ordinary eggnog. No, this shit has the addition of balls. None of that “eggnog with a splash of bourbon” bullshit, no, you take a swig of this eggnog and I’ll bet you $10 and a Frosty that your next words will be, “Damn! That shit is STRONG!” But not disgustingly so, more in the way that makes your lips tingly and your belly warm while still enjoying the sweet, rich eggnoggy goodness. It’s…it’s just…just delightful. It’s like the liquid inside that mug just wrapped its arms around your soul and hugged you until you pass out. It’s just…you guys, it’s so delicious. So, so delicious.
*Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure nail polish
Nail polish and I have a somewhat complicated relationship. I love having painted nails; it’s fun and sassy, but most importantly, it’s a subtle and easy way to retain my femininity in a masculine workplace full of dudes. I may have to dress like a bull-dyke and I may be hauling cable and talking about what I did to you mom last night, but goddamn it, I will have pretty nails! The problem is that my masculine workplace full of dudes is hell on manicures. Just the pure physical nature of the gig is hard on them, but all it takes is having to pull the tape up from one dance floor and my nails are toast. No matter how many base and top coats I layer on, it always ends up starting to chip after a day or two. And when you consider my obsession with so-dark-it’s-almost-black nail polish, it seems like I always end up running around with the severely chipped nails of a 13 year old emo chick.
So when I saw a commercial for this all-in-one nail polish, I was intrigued. The thought of cutting the manicure process by 2/3 definitely appealed to me, so the next time I was at CVS I picked up a bottle in a so-blue-it’s-almost-black color called “Navy Baby.” (PS, aren’t the names they come up with for nail polish colors the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?) It went on super easy, but it did NOT last like a fully manicured nail polish. Even without the abuse of work, it was starting to go two days later. HOWEVER. If you use this shit like normal nail polish, with a base and top coat, this shit is the SHIT! It’s like house paint! Even with an abusive week of work behind it, it look damn-near perfect. Sure, there’s a chip or two, and if you looked really close there’s some white on the edges, but unless you’re closely examining my nails they look great. (And if you are, get the hell away from my fingers, you creepazoid.) For someone who’s as hard on my nails as I am, this shit is fantastic!
*Sabra Roasted Garlic Hummus
I first tried hummus in our college cafeteria. It was bland and grainy and tasted like butt. Thusly, for the longest time I held the belief that I did not like hummus. But then fate entered. An artist at work had Sabra Roasted Garlic Hummus on their rider and didn’t eat it, and, as with all uneaten catering, it went home with a member of the crew. In this case, that member was me. I didn’t really want it, but it was handed to me and I never turn down free food. I went home and dipped a cracker in it, and holy fucking tap dancing jesus christ on a cracker! It was smooth, garlicky, deliciousness in my mouth! I went to TOWN on that shit! Really, the cracker was a formality; I would have eaten that shit with a spoon if I wasn’t positive Kyle would judge me. Savory and rich, with a depth of flavor I never would have imagined from something that visually resembles tan wallpaper paste. Look guys, I feel as if we’ve known each other a while now, and I hope that there is a certain level of trust between us. So believe me when I say that the best life decision you can make is to go to the store, buy some of this shit, bring it home, and spread it on fucking everything. Hell, I would introduce it into our sex life if Kyle hadn’t placed a ban on all savory food play.
I got my Juice for Christmas my senior year of college from Kyle. It was supposed to be a motherfucking engagement ring, but regardless, I was super psyched to get my own Leatherman. A multi-tool is a must for any tech; the knife and pliers alone have saved my ass on numerous occasions. And the great thing about the Juice is that it’s the perfect size for me. It has everything I need (knife, scissors, bottle opener,) and nothing I don’t (toothpick, file, corkscrew,) and it fits in the pocket of even my skinniest jeans.
But even if I weren’t a tech, I’m pretty sure I would still carry my Juice with me everywhere. It’s just so fucking useful! Need to put a screw back in your glasses? Use the tiny blade. Find yourself holding a beer that’s not screw-off? Bottle opener. Husband eat the last piece of turtle cheesecake? Knife that motherfucker! You’d be surprised how many uses there are for a Leatherman in real life. And Juice is surprisingly lady-like for such a badass little multi-tool. Think of it as Scott Evil in a Dolce & Gabbana. Now, wouldn’t you like to carry that around in your pocket?
*It should be noted that I don’t receive money or free shit from any of the above companies. But I’ll take some if they’d like to start!